


The Akuma That Never Was

by HydraRaptor



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Akumatized person doesn't want to be an akuma?, Comedy, Gen, One Shot, bad day, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9648944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HydraRaptor/pseuds/HydraRaptor
Summary: Ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go right no matter what you do?  Where, despite your best attempts, Murphy's Law always rears its ugly head at you?Hawkmoth is having one of those days...





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've often thought about what would happen if I were akumatized (who hasn't?) and, despite every akuma I could think of, this would honestly be me if Hawkmoth ever tried to akumatize me.  
> Also in this story Nathalie knows Gabe is Hawkmoth (she's gotta get his alibis and stuff for him) but finds it more of an annoyance than an evil thing.

Gabriel walked into Hawkmoth's lair, transforming as he stepped into the light.  "Now," said Hawkmoth, "who in Paris can help me today?"  Using the powers granted him by Nooroo, Hawkmoth scanned the city, searching for the perfect victim.  And scanned.  And scanned.

_Why isn't anyone upset today?_ Hawkmoth continued scanning, but still found no one.   _At this rate I'm going to end up scraping the bottom of the barrel and getting another M. Pigeon..._

Finally, he found someone on a park bench, upset and holding a diagram.  "Ah, a rejected idea can cause such a-"

"Gabriel, the mayor is calling about a dress he needs made for his daughter," Nathalie interrupted as she walked in.  Looking up from her tablet, she saw Hawkmoth standing amidst the circling butterflies, giving her a dirty look.

"You were monologing, weren't you?" she asked.

"Yes, now will you please tell the mayor that I will get back to him once I am done with my current business."

"Alright, so you'll get back to him after Chat Noir and Ladybug beat whatever your next akuma is, got it," Nathalie said as she turned away.  Gabriel was scary.  Gabriel dressed up in a purple suit with butterflies surrounding him, posed to send one away, wasn't.

"A little positivity in the workplace is good, Nathalie," Hawkmoth called as she walked away.  She responded with a dismissing wave as she shut the door to the lair behind her. Grumbling, Hawkmoth turned back around, focusing once again on the man in the park.  "Ah, yes, rejected ideas can cause such a...such a...forget it, just go my little akuma."

The butterfly flew out the window, flying across Paris to the man and landing in an engraved pen that rested in his jacket pocket.

_Let's find out the problem_ , Hawkmoth thought to himself.  Looking at the man's memories, he saw him pitching an idea for a new...ice cream truck?  The man, Joshua, made it look cool, but was rejected by the executive he was pitching to.  Upset, Joshua left the building and came to this park, upset and slightly angry.

_Ice cream truck?  Well, I've had worse to go on_ , Hawkmoth thought.  Clearing his throat, he said, "Joshua, that executive wouldn't know a good ice cream truck if it came up and served him a double scoop.  But now, you can show him a true ice cream truck,  _Le Glâc_ -"

"Actually, I see where he was coming from," Josh said, looking at his diagram.

"Come again?"

"Well, I had the all the ice creams placed near where the engine would be for this truck, but that would just melt the ice creams quickly.  I'd only do like 30 minutes of having the truck on before I'd have to stop and wait an hour or so to keep the ice cream from melting.  So I see why he said no."

"But don't you want revenge for how he humiliated you?"

"Not really.  I mean yeah he could've been nicer about it but I get it.  It's a dog eat dog world in the ice cream truck business, and I didn't think it through all the way."

Hawkmoth rubbed his temples.   _Plan B, Plan B, Plan...AHA!_

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that Josh, but what if I could give you the power to make that truck work by bending the laws of physics!"

Joshua shook his head.  "Do you know how important physics is in the world?  It's what allows most things to work!  If you go around just tossing physics out the window then we all will just explode.  Well, probably not really but you never know."  Joshua looked around.  "Wait a minute...who's talking to me?"

"I am Hawkmoth, and you-"

"No way, YOU'RE Hawkmoth!  I am like such a huge fan!  Well, of Ladybug and Chat Noir, but I mean you're there too.  So wait, are you trying to akumatize me?"

"Joshua, do you have any reason to be angry at anyone?  Upset?  Mildly irritated?"

"Well, there is this one guy named Stephen who I play poker with and I'm pretty sure he's cheating."

_I can work with this_ , Hawkmoth thought for the second time that day.  "Then you will be  _Cart-_ "

"But now that I think about it, I have a terrible poker face, Michelle wears reflective sunglasses, and I don't think Tyler even knows how to play.  Stephen probably just uses the skills he's learned from his years as a detective to win.  Which I guess isn't cheating.  Oh well.  Sorry, Hawkmoth, I just don't really get angry or upset.  I'm one of those go-with-the-flow kinda people."

Hawkmoth facepalmed, struggling to think of a way to akumatize Joshua.  "If you're a "go-with-the-flow kind of person, why don't you join me in getting Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses?"

"Y'know, I would, but I'm kinda trying to remake this ice cream truck and make it work.  But good luck with your endeavors though."

_Alright, he was a bust.  Now, all I have to do is retract the akuma and find someone else..._

"Well, it was nice meeting you Joshua, but you're useless to me.  Farewell."  Hawkmoth tried to remove the akuma, but it wouldn't budge.   _What the-?_

_Once a butterfly is in an object, it can only be brought out by breaking the object_ , he remembered.  Before Gabriel used him for evil, Nooroo had told him everything about his powers, including how to be defeated.

"I don't feel any different; are you still there Hawkmoth?  Hawky?  Can I call you Hawky?"

"Joshua, can you please release the akuma for me?"

Joshua shrugged his shoulders.  "Sure, but I don't know where it is."

"There is a pen inside your jacket, it's there."

Joshua rifled inside his jacket, pulling out the engraved fountain pen.  "You mean in this?"

"Yes.  Now, just throw it to the ground and-"

"No way José; this reservoir pen has been in my family ever since my great-great-great-great grandfather stole it from some rich dude named Louis Xiv, whoever he was.  But it's a precious heirloom."

_If you wanna do something right_ , Hawkmoth thought,  _then you gotta do it yourself.  Or use your powers to hurt them and force them into submission..._

Hawkmoth balled his fist, sending a signal to the akuma to hurt Joshua.  "Um, why is my pen vibrating?"

_And if you for some reason ever want to hurt your Champion,_ Nooroo's words echoed,  _then they must be in Champion form, otherwise it'll do nothing but vibrate the Champion's object._

Hawkmoth took his phone out and sent a message to Nathalie, asking for a glass of wine and some extra cover time.  "Joshua, it'll revert back to normal once the akuma returns to me I promise."

"But you're a bad guy; why should I trust you?"

"Joshua please just-"

"HOLY COW IT'S CHAT NOIR! HEY CHAT! CHAT!"

_CHAT NOIR I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS_ , Hawkmoth called out in his own mind.

He could sense Chat Noir land near Joshua and get nearer.  "What seems to be the problem?"

Joshua jumped with joy, his pen in hand.  "Now," Hawkmoth said, "have Chat Noir break the pen!"

Holding out the pen to Chat, he said, "Chat Noir, I need your help!  My sister's birthday is tomorrow and she is the biggest Chat Noir fan ever!  Even if you just sign something it'll make her day.  Here," he took a card out of his pocket, something the butterfly ignored on it's way to the pen, "can you please please pleaaaaaaase just sign here?"

"Uhm, normally I'm not one for signatures, but if it is her birthday tomorrow, then I guess I can.  What's her name?"

"It's Beth!"

"How rude of your parents," Chat Noir said. (Beth is pronounced bet in French, which is also how one pronounces bête, which means stupid or dumb.  Similarly, my name (Seth) is pronounced set, just like the number sept (7))

"We're American; it's a normal name there," Joshua said.

As Chat signed it, the door behind Hawkmoth opened and Nathalie walked in with a bottle of wine and a glass in hand.  "Need me to call one of my girlfriends for you to complain to as well?" she mocked.

"Remind me why I don't fire you again?"

"Because if you did then I'd tell everyone who you are."

Hawkmoth took the wine and poured himself a glass, downing it quickly.

"Wait, are you drinking while supervillaining?" he heard Joshua ask.

"When I get a headache like you, yes."

"Hey Chat Noir, Hawkmoth is being mean to me," Joshua said.

"Wait, what?" Hawkmoth said.

"Wait, what?" Chat said, nearly dropping the card and pen.  "Hawkmoth is being mean to you?"

"Yea he said I'm a headache and is trying to drink me away."

"You know what, I don't even care anymore," Hawkmoth said as he tried to remove the brooch from his collar with no luck.   _Here's another thing you should know; the brooch can't come off while you have a Champion selected no matter what.  It's a safety precaution._

"Nooroo I swear when I get this akuma back I am going to kill you for all these cockamamie rules," Hawkmoth grumbled.  Nathalie laughed behind him, pouring herself a glass of wine as she did.  "No one asked you, assistant!"

"Who's Nooroo?" Joshua asked while Chat Noir presumably called Ladybug.

"No one! Look, I don't care about getting the Miraculouses so can you just please give the pen to Chat Noir and have him destroy it?"

"I already told you I can't; it's a precious heirloom stolen from Louis Xiv-"

"IT'S LOUIS THE FOURTEENTH!  KING LOUIS THE FOURTEENTH!  NOT LOUIS XIV!"

"Are you sure about that, Hawky?"

"Hey, can I call you Hawky too?" Nathalie asked.  Shooting her a death glare, Hawkmoth downed another glass of wine.

"Joshua, do you even know who Louis the Fourtee-"

"Ohmygod LADYBUG! I AM A HUGE FAN!" Josh cut off.   _Great.  Now Ladybug's here.  Can this day get any better?_

"He doesn't look akumatized," she said as Josh continued to freak out about her.

Chat crossed his arms.  "I think Hawkmoth tried to akumatize him but failed."

"Yeah that's what he told me," Joshua said.  "He was all like, 'grr why won't you akumatize; grr aren't you angry; grr, I wish I had thought of that cool-looking ice cream truck."

"Ok, first of all I don't care about your ice cream truck I just want the Miraculouses.  Second, I do not sound like that!"

"Did he tell you where the akuma was?" Ladybug asked.  Joshua held up the pen, "he said it was in here and that I should destroy it.  He couldn't remove the akuma, only make it vibrate.  I was gonna destroy it but it's like an heirloom in my family.  You see, my great-great-great-great-great grandfather stole this from someone named Louis Xiv, some old rich guy.  Hawkmoth's crazy though and think it actually belongs to some king or something, but I know he's just trying to trick me, so I'm not falling for it.  But, yea, it's precious to me so I don't want to destroy it."

"NO JUST GIVE IT TO THEM PLEASE," Hawkmoth shouted at Joshua.

"So why didn't you turn?" Chat asked.

"Oh, I don't really get angry often.  And when I do I kinda mellow out shortly after; I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of person, so by the time Hawkmoth tried to take over me, I didn't really care anymore.  But now he's calling me a headache and is really starting to annoy me."

Nathalie broke out in another fit of laughter.  Hawkmoth was regretting allowing her to hear their conversation, but what's done is done.

"Look, if you give the pen to Chat Noir and Ladybug, they'll get the akuma out and this whole nightmare will be over," Hawkmoth said.

"Really?  Hey Ladybug, if I give you the pen, will you get the akuma out without breaking it?"

"Hmmm, I dunno...it might be really tricky to do," she said, her voice laced with sarcasm.  "What do you think, Chat?"

"Purrhaps we can do something about it," he said, earning a short laugh from Joshua.

"THAT WASN'T EVEN A CLEVER PUN YOU IMBECILE!" Hawkmoth screamed once more while Nathalie giggled.  "AND WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

"Purr-haps...get it? It's cause he's a cat," she giggled.  Hawkmoth placed his glass on the ground and just took the entire bottle, downing a mouthful.

"Alright.  Hand me the pen, Joshua.  We'll have to break it, but I'll fix it immediately after with my Miraculous Ladybug, alright?"

"Sounds like a plan, Stan," he said as he handed the pen to her, "or, Ladybug, I guess.  Doesn't rhyme as well."

Snapping the pen and capturing the akuma that came out of it, Ladybug's purification and Miraculous Ladybug followed immediately.

"Bye-bye,  _petite papillion_ ," Ladybug said as the white butterfly flew back to Hawkmoth.  With his connection cut, he grabbed his brooch and tore it from his outfit, downing more of the wine as he walked away, Nooroo and Nathalie behind him.  Suddenly, he stopped and turned around.  "I never want to hear about this akuma ever again, understand?" he asked them, pointing at them with the bottle.  They both shook their heads and he turned around.  Behind him, Nooroo and Nathalie shared a look that said they'd never let him live it down.

* * *

Although Gabriel wasn't a fan of Ladybug and Chat Noir, he found that the Ladyblog was an excellent source on how to better his akuma as well as to try and figure out the identities of his nemeses.  Sitting down, he opened his browser, going to said blog to see if any new information came up.  A huge banner with a chibi Ladybug and Chat Noir welcomed him, before opening to the newest news:

**Hawkmoth Fails To Akumatize:  Using This Trick, Avoid Akumatization and Help Our Heroes!**

Gabriel groaned, closing the tab as he heard Nooroo laugh behind him.  "Oh why don't you go be useful somewhere else," he said to his kwami.  Flying out of Gabriel's office, Nooroo flew to Nathalie and opened a new tab on her browser to the Ladyblog, stifling a laugh.  "Nooroo, what are you...oh, that is amazing.  That is just...amazing," she said as she burst out in laughter.  When she calmed down, she stood up, finalizing a meeting for Gabriel.  Motioning Nooroo to follow her, she knocked on the office door.

"Sir, you have an appointment with an up-and-coming designer who would like to show you his new fashion ideas," she said, her tone as serious as she could make it.

From behind the door, he called, "just send them in when they get here."

An hour later, Gabriel received a call from Nathalie, saying the man was here.  "I told you to send him in when he arrived," Gabe said.

The door opened and the man strode in.  "Howdy, M. Gabriel.  I have this wonderful new set of fashion designs for ice cream men," Joshua said.

As calmly as he could, Gabriel walked past Joshua, excusing himself for a moment.  Shutting the office door behind him, he walked over to Nathalie, who merely smirked at him.

"If you need me, I am going to either commit a felony or get some wine.  I don't know which yet," he said before leaving.  Once the door was shut, both Nathalie and Nooroo, who often spent his time with her, burst out in laughter.

 

**Author's Note:**

> For those who are curious, Joshua's designs were a no-go with the _Gabriel_ line.  
>  Til next time.  
> Peace.


End file.
